sleeping in my tears
The hanged man. Blue bathwater.
Glam, Don’t give a fuck
running and running, afraid to feel it. miles off course
Bad motel coffee
“unfathomable emotions”
Artist book 2021
Highway 104
lush life, oros street
season cycle 01
Kate, spring and summer 2021
photographic field notes
“thick ritual”
“The last.” Of what? The last before he began to slip beyond my reach.
The question of an erotic life
waning year/remarriage
“woman/goddess/sea” (p.33)
Birthday portrait: womanness
mirage photos, natal conjunction
heavenly mother
pre-election deep anxiety trying to meditate but mostly getting high
tantric current / pink
both the mystical and the demonic
“Process... within the confines of my studio apartment”
patina, song of india, 3 33, orchid, the cat
night shunga, moonstoned twice
Jake, his backyard, November (V)
We'll probably just go to a court house and then go to dinner, no fuss, no guests
the game of seduction. His motorcycle. His gardens.
07-03-2019: “the canopy of redwoods like a cathedral overhead...”
What I’m left with:
tenderness lost, of destiny subverted
these words in my head, searching for meaning the only way I know how
How to melt. I tried
“Oh I am some strange new inbetween thing”
Months where he comes to me like clockwork, like ocean tides, moonlight–
something flowing, overflowing, abundant, relentless.
33 miles south of Las Vegas, New Mexico
Venus in fur/Virgo in fur
Page 33: “the sweat of the absolute…”
an experiment in open research
Kiss #3, etc.
Kiss #2
Jake and Indiana, May (IV)
Kiss #1
Zoe and Rio, springtime
Rumors playing, windows down
houseguesting
party dresses & real reasons to wear them
red lips red nails white sunglasses leather miniskirt
Anne Carson: “Discover all that is ‘feminine’
how it ends
The last morning
Thanksgiving morning
mysticism, Saint Teresa
The heat broke last night in a clear instant
The right thing in the right way
smell of laundry and the smell of rain
An entire ocean pounding at the door of my mind
Sutra #5 (vibrate the cosmos. The cosmos shall clear the path)
Los Angeles, Act II
4:30 AM wake up, my long walks, my utter & insane aloneness
Interlude
Lulu (the dinner party)
What’s real? What stays? What do I erase?
California but without the performance of it
300 Gravier St, New Orleans, LA 70130
the truth of my love, my desire for love, the shape I seek love to inhabit
I open the door with my arms full of lilacs
I think of him and I get dizzy
“You are the embodiment of romantic love”
Overnight ticket only
Random rooms and sudden freedom
Lulu (Gracie)
Lulu (Tamara)
Lulu (Jennie)
Lulu (Brittany)
Lulu (Heather)
BLOOD MESSAGES
Lew in his studio
There we all danced barefoot to the piano (a lost weekend)
But also: freedom, strangeness, beauty, abandon, the sublime.
Beginning of the end of the beginning
His childhood home, the city where he grew up
What am I rushing towards, I thought. What am I trying to prove?
Zoe, March 2014
New moon, supermoon, solar eclipse, vernal equinox
Gabriella, March 2014
After-- After-- After-- After all of it, some part of me was still lost at sea.
Birthday portrait: Failures. Stamina? Before dinner with D
Burning sage to clear away my own bad spirits.
Kestrel and Yiannis
52 W 13th St, New York, NY 10011
Matrilineal (Christmas Eve, Santa Fe)
Silence. He asks:
“Desire is easy. And everywhere.”
~~A year from now and in Baltimore again, I write:~~
Kestrel, September. The light as we walked to Tony’s Saloon
August. Puissance.
This house that I despire more and more every day.
“Faux travel novel”
Light leaks, breathing room, poetry, paint stains, dirt stains, poetry
LOVE!
Dream poet for hire
Jake, Serrano Ave, June (III)
Writing this to future you, future me
A cabin. A cake. Hot baths, tissues, curtains.
Birthday portrait: her pioneer home, a terrible flu.
Anne Truitt: “the only rule, to let the artist speak”
“Girlfriend”
The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Drew, before Big Sur
False prophecy. The residency week.
Kestrel at The Hotel Alexandria
Suddenly, unexpectedly, alone. Relief?
My mother’s mother, a Scorpio
~~the splits & chasms still to come~~
Jake, Serrano Ave, November (II)
Kate, winter 2012
Jake, December (I)
Evi’s backyard, summer, Los Angeles
Throw the Emptiness Out of Your Arms: Rilke’s Doctrine of Nonpossessive Love
right, we
something about that room in montserrat
Madrid & Montserrat, spells
self portrait with his self portrait after his surgery
At Cafe Gitane. Ten (twelve?) years ago
M in New York, 2011
ACTS OF TRANSFORMATION:
10/31/2010
New city. New lover. New apartment.
Last view of New York
My grandmother’s house
private self/public self
I’d forgotten how good true solitude tastes
“Do you like the way a city touches you?”
The Tower (XVI)
Quincy
pavement, trash, skin.
sunshine & sex & cars & people
body, all sensation
Chekhov, from his notebooks:
Love, he said, love, my love.
a real soft sleepy blue
Kate, winter 2009
~~“Ooh, it feels good to be free...”~~
FunSaver
Desire in reverse
Nonantum. Rose perfume.
himself again
21, New York, October
out late, awake all night
Theater of Love, previsualization
Four
fragments
~~Bitches Brew~~
Queen of Wands
Valentine Rd.
Time