Instrument––psychic, body, camera
A profound sense of energy/portals/chapters closing. Opening?
Lipsticked cigarette on the pavement. The roads wild. Protests?
Friday afternoon, seagreen water, so clear, bitterly salty, perfect beyond words
America is really, deeply, morally, spiritually in trouble (No Kings)
Poetry, god damn it !!!
fleeting, a blip, one quick turn (time?) ((opening the windows after the fires))
But I want to remember who I was as I dragged myself across the finish line of this era.
election day (decay), how the peonies lost all their color overnight
“Medium, mystic and mistress of the dead” (Persephone days)
Spiritualized on the curves
“Love, love, I have hung our cave with roses,” SP
Afro Psychedelica, blood & spit all over my floor.
my creative energy offering me more and more of a river on which to float myself
Since his death:
Grief has one hundred faces and none of them familiar.
07/01/2023, 4:30 or so AM, maybe a few moments before.
With him until the end.
Digital nudes (Body monologue) Fictions? How to catalog free writing? Flower press
Birthday portrait: ghosts & not ghosts, Egyptian pharos, Mayan divinity that haunts me still
I woke up with a residue of strangeness–my hotel bed smelled of our sex, like the
choosing Carmine + Citrona, flower installation all over bedroom
Meghan: “my third eye is dizzy”
the spectacle of femininity
fecund (my favorite word these days, like a bite, bright purple, tangy earth smell, a body aroused)
What if: turning myself inside out through the portal of my heart. Delight.
Dinner party #3. Looking for a white piano and the man to teach me how to play.
Before and after rehearsal, nothing in focus.
These mirrors, morning after morning in Paris. Arousing, erotic, then nightmares
point & shoot, Paris list
sleeping in my tears
Birthday portrait: what is your devotion
v5 8:18pm, 02/02/2022: too much death lately
INCANTATIONS in praise of small beasts / INCANTATIONS
energy vividly released from form
The hanged man. Blue bathwater.
running and running, afraid to feel it. miles off course
unfathomable emotions
lush life, oros street
Kate, spring and summer 2021
photographic field notes
“thick ritual”
“The last.” Of what? The last before he began to slip beyond my reach.
The question of an erotic life
“woman/goddess/sea” (p.33)
Birthday portrait: womanness
mirage photos, natal conjunction
heavenly mother
tantric current / pink
“Process... within the confines of my studio apartment” (Mar, Apr 2020)
patina, song of india, 3 33, orchid, the cat
night shunga, moonstoned twice
Jake, his backyard, November (V)
to a court house and then dinner, no fuss, no guests
the game of seduction. His motorcycle. His gardens.
07-03-2019: “the canopy of redwoods like a cathedral overhead...”
What I’m left with:
tenderness lost, of destiny subverted
How to melt. I tried
“Oh I am some strange new inbetween thing”
Months where he comes to me like clockwork, like ocean tides, moonlight–
like something flowing, overflowing, abundant, relentless.
Animal whispers, subtle cues. Delicate.
Venus in fur/Virgo in fur
Page 33: “the sweat of the absolute…”
Kiss #3, etc. La Mancha Verde, 06-01-2018, 06-02-2018, 06-03-2018
Kiss #2, Lechuza Beach, 05-15-2018
Jake and Indiana, May (IV)
Kiss #1, Echo Park, 05-10-2018
Zoe and Rio, Echo Park
Rumors playing, windows down
Kate, spring 2018
houseguesting
party dresses & real reasons to wear them
red lips red nails white sunglasses leather miniskirt
Anne Carson: Discover all that is “feminine,” all that reaches forward in supplication within us--
The last morning
Thanksgiving morning
mysticism, Saint Teresa
The heat broke last night in a clear instant
The right thing in the right way
smell of laundry and the smell of rain
An entire ocean pounding at the door of my mind
Sutra #5 (vibrate the cosmos. The cosmos shall clear the path)
Los Angeles, Act II
4:30 AM wake up, my long walks, my utter & insane aloneness
Interlude
the truth of my love, my desire for love, the shape I seek love to inhabit
“You are the embodiment of romantic love”
Overnight ticket only
Random hotel rooms and sudden freedom
BLOOD MESSAGES
Lew in his studio
There we all danced barefoot to the piano (a lost weekend)
But also: freedom, strangeness, beauty, abandon, the sublime.
Erica at home, Hollywood, May or June
Beginning of the end of the beginning
His childhood home, the city where he grew up
What am I rushing towards, I thought. What am I trying to prove?
Zoe at home, Echo Park, March
New moon, supermoon, solar eclipse, vernal equinox
Gabriella in the poppies, spring
After-- After-- After-- After all of it, some part of me was still lost at sea.
Birthday portrait: Failures. Stamina? Before dinner with D
Burning sage to clear away my own bad spirits
Kestrel and Yiannis
Untitled Love Story. Writing. Flying.
Matrilineal (Christmas Eve, Santa Fe)
Silence. He asks:
“Desire is easy. And everywhere.”
Kestrel, September. The light as we walked to Tony’s Saloon
August. Puissance.
Self stuck, prefigured, and haunted walls
This house that I despire more and more every day
“Faux travel novel”
Light leaks, breathing room, poetry, paint stains, dirt stains, poetry
LOVE!
Dream poet for hire
Jake, Serrano Ave, June (III)
Writing this to future you, future me
A cabin. A cake. Hot baths, tissues, curtains.
Birthday portrait: her pioneer home, a terrible flu
Anne Truitt: “the only rule, to let the artist speak”
Always: Am I doing enough? Am I pushing myself hard enough? Am I
The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
A portrait, a weekend, a meal, a certain sky
Drew, before Big Sur
playwright, “supposed” to be. Residency week.
Tucumcari, New Mexico. Suddenly, unexpectedly, alone. Relief?
“... as we become aware of and complicit in the acts of photographing and looking.”
Jake, Serrano Ave, November (II)
Kate, winter 2012
Jake, December (I)
C105...will there be folding tables, those "rehearsal" doors, cubes, etc?
Evi’s backyard, summer, Los Angeles
Throw the Emptiness Out of Your Arms: Rilke’s Doctrine of Nonpossessive Love
Madrid & Montserrat, spells
self portrait with his self portrait after his surgery
At Cafe Gitane. Ten (twelve?) years ago I was here with K, early January.
She gives me my first black lingerie, a teenage wisdom ritual of sexual-mourning
ACTS OF TRANSFORMATION:
My sister’s house, Kansas City, winter
Trying to write something that matters.
10/31/2010
New city. New lover. New apartment. New clothes. Longer hair.
Last view of New York
My grandmother’s house, spring
private self/public self
dressing, writing, reading, wandering only for this old New York
Last night, Halloween. Will: “Do you like the way a city touches you?”
3am, Invisible Cities: “Desires are already memories.”
Chekhov, from his notebooks: “Love. Either it is a remnant of something degenerating--”
the stale, putrid smell of summer in this city—heat hitting pavement, trash, skin
The past four days a frantic pace of sunshine & sex & cars & people. Where to even start.
It was sunny and every restaurant was full
“The myth they chose was the constant lovers...”
Love, he said, love, my love. And me too, all this love, impossible to express.
Kate, winter 2009
“everything was blue—a real soft sleepy blue”
06/01/2008 Everything happened so fast. $1.00 to my name
Anya having breakfast
“There was birthdays, sex, and sleep--”
The unbearable present moment
FunSaver
Fights. Jokes. Ferry tickets. Tears. Everything I once dreamed of is ending.
out late, awake all night
the taste of, never forgotten the terrible pleasure of
at the mercy of someone else's future
four play
Theater of Love, previsualization
Valentine Rd.